What Was I Thinking?

What was I thinking that month? What did I see in them? Why did I shut God out? Why do I shut out God the most on this subject? I know & believe that God knows whats best for me...so why am I so impatient? Why couldn't I've had waited? Like really waited for His voice to direct me. I brought pain on myself. Again. Why didn't I learn my lesson from the first time around when I was fifteen? God loves me the most. Always has, always will. Why don't I live out what I know with my heart? Am I a hypocrite or what?! I'm more than ashamed, I'm embarrassed. I feel so foolish about how I've acted in the past. I know everyone regrets things from their past, but my regrets are a lot of the same thing. I believe that I am who I am today because God turned my mistakes into miracles, & I know God still isn't done transforming me. I guess more than often I just feel foolish because sometimes I let my heart direct my thoughts. And that's so stupid because the heart is deceitful, we can only rely on God. I know these things...so why don't I live them out as often as I should?